{.HOPE :: LEVI'S STORY.}

[Wednesday, October 4th, 2006 | 7 A.M.] Light was just breaking through my bedroom window blinds, and I bolted awake to a giant shutter in my swollen belly. "Whoa, there sweet boy!," I muttered. Barely able to lay on my side, I repositioned, propped myself on my side as much as my ever-growing belly would allow, then off to sleep I drifted for another 2 hours. As I awoke, I noticed that I just did not feel as well as I had most mornings, I was overly sluggish and just did not feel up to the morning bath that I had grown accustomed to taking once I rolled out of bed. I proceeded to spend a few hours in my favorite chair in the living room, getting water as I needed it, and not really feeling like eating; I vaguely recall eating half a peanut butter bagel for breakfast, and later a turkey sandwich on wheat bread, and drinking nothing but water and milk. The morning wore on and turned to afternoon, and I had cat napped in my comfy chair off and on, doing nothing more than cradling my large pop belly. By about 3 p.m. it hit me.... in my sleepy state, I honestly could not remember, aside from the moment at 7 a.m. that I was jarred awake to the growing, bouncing baby boy flopping around, when was the last time I had felt him move?!? I proceeded to call my OB, and since they closed at 4:30 they referred me on to the ER where I was to give birth; assuring me that my mid-wife would be there to take care of me.

A little back story first, though... I was separated from the father of my son, working on a divorce; this was a pregnancy that was completely unexpected. I had no reason to believe I could conceive at that point, as I had been diagnosed by two different Dr.'s as not being able to do so. My then husband, decided that he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it, and while not sleeping in the same bed, came in to take it anyway during the wee hours of the morning before my sleep aid had worn off. At about 4 months pregnant I got out of the relationship, and tried to go about my life.... back to the story at hand though.

Once at the ER, I was taken in quickly, hooked to an ultrasound and heart monitor; my dear friend and spiritual mentor, Peggy, met me at the ER, along with my Aunt Cynthia. Within 30 minutes I knew... that dreadful feeling I had had ever since I left my grandmother's house was right - my son was gone only 6 weeks before his due date. At first I cried, but quickly I found some solace... he was with his Gram's - my mom, Angie (whom had passed on Sept. 6th, 2000 from cervical cancer). I knew that he was with her and our Father in Heaven, and that he and I were spared from a life of drama and chaos that surely would have been ahead. I was given a choice once I knew my son's fate - stay at the hospital, be induced and give birth and be able to see him and find out what had caused his death, or go home and let it settle for a day or two and then return. Obviously, I wanted to see his face, hold him even if for only a few minutes. I wanted to count his fingers and toes and see that sweet face that I had seen in silhouette form for so many months via the ultra sound images, and KNOW just how real he had been.

It took me about 26 hours from the time they induced me until I finally gave birth. My Dr. informed me when his head was finally out that my birth canal was too narrow, and had he been any bigger I would have been rushed into a c-section. Levi Willam was born at 2:26 a.m. on Oct. 6th into the living, breathing world, weighing in at 5lbs/12oz. and was 20 inches long. He was THE SWEETEST. I could see myself and his dad in him; he favored my middle brother as a baby for the most part, though, and the nurses worked wonders putting him in his sweet outfit, and at making him smell like a newborn baby. <3 (sigh) A few days later was his funeral - it was simple and so full of from everyone around me. We released blue and white balloons at the end .... I will never forget that site.

After the divorce I moved on as soon as I could... I found healing in my [now] amazing, sweet husband, the Lord and a move across the country to California. I had been friends with Garner for over a year and a half, well before I knew Levi's dad, and once I separated from Levi's dad Gar was by my side as much as he could be being 3000 miles away. I was given a 1-way ticket to Cali, I took the chance and did not look back; it was the move I needed most. Nothing else would have helped me heal like that move did. We married Sept. 4th, 2007 and in Dec. 2008 we conceived our sweet "B" ... while pregnant with her, my body really did not handle the pregnancy like it did the first time, and while she was always a picture of health, no matter how hard I tried, I was not. I was on bed rest SO much of the pregnancy, and my already messed up back stayed even more messed up laying and sitting all the time. The entire pregnancy I had one song that kept helping me get through each day ... a song by Addison Road - HOPE NOW. Since the time I was 17 I had dreamed about a little girl, knowing that one day, I would have her, and somehow I knew with Levi that he was not ever meant to be here on this earth. "B" was different though, and I knew she was a girl 100% for certain well before the ultrasound confirmed it. And now, every single day that she grows, I recall those vivid dreams that give me SO much hope from right before my mom passed away - that one day, I would have a little girl of my own. "B" was born Sept. 8th, 2009 at 8:46 a.m. at 7lbs/9pz and was 20 1/2 inches long. Her full name was one that was not thought of or up lightly :) {CALLEIGH ELIZABELLA KARA}. Seeing her everyday - her smile, her giggles, her dances and sweet, silly personality - I KNOW KNOW KNOW that she is THAT little girl I was given the dreams... the VISION OF HOPE of. It is hard, but she is the only little one I ever give birth to, until and if the Lord ever sees it fit for me to ever give birth again, or for us to have the means to adopt.

I could not have said it quiet this well, so I am going to quote a dear friend of mine and something she said about hope... and this is SO true in my life.... no matter how many times I want to or I wanted to give up I couldn't and can't. I was raised in a life of FAITH and in Church....

When our hope is built on Christ we have a solid foundation on which to stand. Hope grounded in Him gives faith that will carry us through any storm; with confidence that He will see us through. He is our hope for today, and strength for tomorrow. - Calysta G.

It is my prayer... MY HOPE ... that this is read by someone who needs to see it most; that you KNOW that everything will be alright, and that you CAN keep going no matter what you are facing right now. There is always a reason to keep going, to keep moving forward, and I pray that if it that reason is not right in front of you that somehow, some way it is revealed to you.

God Bless You Each and Everyone... In his Light, Love & Hope ....

Heather