{Being Still...}

The past two months have brought about emotions I thought were not possible, but for whatever reason they found me.... they found my entire household and family. I have never felt the shock, devastation, loss, and insecurity that this past Dec. 8th brought with it. Our world has been rocked one blow after another this entire past year, and even more so in December. I had gone to town for the first time in 4 and a half days (it had been raining and the little one had been sick, etc.), was gone for about 3 hours and came home to discover that not bringing B in before trying to turn the lights on first was the best decision possible. I thought somehow I had left the door ajar, somehow I had not closed it properly, but all at the same time I KNEW ... KNEW ... in my mind and heart all in about 15 seconds time that I actually had, and as I pushed the door open from the carport into the kitchen and looked around the corner into the living room, I saw the dramatic disaster in front of me and was back out the door to get back to B in the car within 30 seconds..... our home had been invaded, and in that 30 seconds I saw all of my photography business equipment, and SEVERAL other small high dollar valued items were torn from their perspectives spots within the living room and kitchen. EVERY IMAGE from birth to present of my daughter - GONE .... clients images GONE. I felt sick, and not the normal kind of sick... this was a frightening sickness I was invaded with. "What in the WORLD HAD JUST HAPPENED?!," I thought to myself. This simply could - not - be - real. But, indeed, it was. I locked myself in my car, called 911 and my husband, and so began the unraveling of my secure world. OUR SECURE WORLD.

Earlier in the fall we were devastated when the building we still owned [45 minutes away from where we now live], and had on the market was destroyed along with a fire that started in the cafe next door to it; then, after the fact discovering that our insurance situation was NOT what we thought. There was nothing we could do. That is a whole story in-and-of-itself, and I cannot really share more than that, but needless to say it was a HUGE blow. That instance, along with several others since last spring, and then this robbery were all we could handle. We had to scrounge the cash and take everything we could and pick up and move within a 24 hour period once the robbery had happened, but believe wholeheartedly it was all drug related and someone from within the area. We were blessed, though, I HAVE to give God glory for providing the place we know proudly call home; the pieces all just fell into place, and to me, it was nothing short of God showing us some grace. Thank you, Lord!

I can honestly say that this has shaken me to the core, and my husband, as well. With all of these events piling on, and realizing that we have somehow lost our way among the months and years of just being so constantly busy we have been forced to slow down in so many ways. And now the economy has aided in closing my husband's business of almost 5 years, it is also taking some time to re-coop my photography equipment, and it is rough to say the least. I have been greatly blessed with a fellow photographer and dear friend giving me a very nice Canon 20D, but I still need to get another 50mm lens. I know it will all come in time, but along with all of this has come the realization that A LOT OF CHANGE is in order. One of those, rebuilding my portfolio, and restarting my business from scratch; including changing names, refocusing my goals and recreating my business practices to be MUCH - MUCH more efficient and effective. I want a successful photography business more than I can even express.

On another note.... while I have found myself grateful and blessed beyond measure with all the help that has come our way since early December, I am still finding myself in a place I am not happy with. I know why... I am just struggling greatly to make it all right. I love the Lord. Sometimes I am not sure I convey it, and at home I am a lot worse about how I show love and act. I will just admit that right now. I AM HUMAN. But I know where the angst is coming from .... underlying stress and the fact that I am not happy where my relationship with God actually is at this point in time. I was raised in church, grew to love the Lord and at one point in time I had an amazing relationship with Him. I have lost my way since 2006, after losing my son. It got worse in the later part of 2007, and we have not gone to church consistently at all. Part of my issue is guilt... I should have my daughter in church. I should be in the place where I find peace, love and a way to worship the way I was meant to. I have not yet lost my voice, but I KNOW I need to be singing again (like I did in the years past in church and on the praise team). I need to be utilizing every single aspect of my gifts - not just my art through photography. That is a goal for me... for my family the early part of the year THIS YEAR. I want back in the place where I need to be, and I am meant to be.

I will close with a few images, I am typed out for the moment. Love to all who take the time to read my ramblings <3

In Christ,
Heather