{RE}GROWTH...

The dictionary defines growth, in part, as the following:

*development from a simpler to a more complex stage: the growth of ritual forms.

*development from another but related form or stage: the growth of the nation state.

I think about this, and as this new year started, and winter made way into spring, and the days and months passed and we watch our B grow up more every day; I also think about myself with this topic. Only, I have grown and grown up, and now I am in a stage of my life where I find myself looking to regroup, restart, and regrow within myself, as a mom, wife and friend. Health issues have come to light recently, and all I can think on is I want to lose weight, I want to be more of my former, pre-pregnancy self. I need to be healthy, I need to show my DD how to be and be an example to her and my step-son. But, at the end of the day, I find myself wondering... "HOW!? Lord, honestly, HOW?!"

Some odd months ago, I prayed and prayed and PRAYED, I asked for the desire to drink soda and feel the need for it multiple times a day to simply be gone. It took a while, but ya know what? One day, I woke, went about my day, and before I knew it not the first drop had entered my mouth! And from that day on it was that simple. No desire for my beloved diet soda at all. *Side note: I am not perfect with this weekly, I might have A soda weekly, but not most weeks.* ;)

Anyway, now.... I have changed several things about my diet, things in my diet, when I eat, how much I eat; and yet, something has still been missing. I have tried harder to stay offline more, to interact with B and play more, and make it a point to be out doors daily. But somehow, as much as I desired and do desire in my heart to be more active, to exercise... my body has not responded well at all. In the past, I could simply push and push, and get to it, get it done, lose the weight. But now, it is not that simple. I have every bit of the want, the desire, but something has stopped me. For over a year now, I have had the hardest time feeling "right" ... I just felt like I could go and go for the longest, and one day, about a year ago, it started taking EVERYTHING I had in me to do it. Finally, after the denial ended about 6 weeks ago, I knew something else was wrong inside.

I am not going to lay it all out here what is actually wrong with me; not right now anyway, but I will say this much, I am doing all I know to do. I don't know what more to do at the moment. Somehow though, I am going to renew, to regrow and to be that happy, healthy and vibrant woman I had come into in my mid-twenties. I will be the big ole 3-0 (30) this year. No, that is not old, and no getting older does not bother me one bit. I see it as a privilege and honor to age. My Mema is my example on that. She is one of the most beautiful, amazing women I know ... she turned 85 this year, and while her health is not perfect, she is still going as strong as she can. I want that for myself, and I want to show B what it means to be healthy physically and have a healthy self image. I did not have that growing up. 

If you have stayed with my ramblings thus far, bless you. All I am saying is this... regrowth can be the hardest thing ever, it IS PAINFUL, it is emotionally and mentally and spiritually torturing. I don't know how exactly I am going to get  through all of this, but I will report back when I do, because, I WILL. 

Until Next Time,

~Heather K.